Sixtieth Entry

Agenda

1. Talk about beach journey yesterday and todays heat.
2. Talk about what is really killing me right now.

1.
Yesterday was great fun. Lisa, Carolyn and I all headed out to Half Moon Bay for some fun in the sun. I almost died twice, Carolyn and Lisa almost died once.
We dug a hole over 6 feet deep. I was in it. It was really cool. I kinda wanted to dig a tunnel out of it, but I was sort of afraid of the whole tunnel caving in and burying me alive. How tragic!!! I was in there for about an hour digging the hole deeper and deeper. Then it took about a half-hour to get out. That was the first time I almost died...I was trapped in the hole. The second time I almost died, was when I was convinced by Lisa and Carolyn to bury me up to my head in the hole (actually, there was very little convincing needed). As I was digging my way out, I got a massive cramp in my right leg. I almost died.
I dried and desanded my pants and shirt, and then we headed off to Palo Alto to have dinner with Jen. She took us to the Pasta Market and it was good. Then we went to Trader Joes, and then home.
Today was wicked hot and I did not leave the house all day. I stayed home and watched the Real World Chicago marathon all the way until it culminated with the Season Finale of the show. It was a good season in my book.

2.

I need a girlfriend. I need someone who will satisfy my physical desires, and my emotional and mental desires. I want a girl who will love me for me. I want a girl who does not take herself too seriously. I want a girl to hold at night and is not afraid to be held. I want a girl to talk to about anything and everything without fearing any backlash. I want a girl I can hold hands with, kiss, hug at the movies, park or restaurant. I want a girl who is not afraid to be herself around me. I want a girl who will challenge me mentally, support me emotionally, and satisfy me physically. I want a girl who will make me feel less alone. She will be the perfect girl.
I want her so badly.
Maybe it was watching the Real World marathon on MTV. All these relationships on the TV, maybe it got me thinking that I want that. I want a Cara or a Keri at my side.
Or maybe it was my Boston friend Micah who called me tonight and when I mentioned my Real World watching today told me that I needed to get a life and a girlfriend. She is right. I need a girlfriend. I need someone who can take the place of watching TV by hanging out with me.
But even as I write this, I feel an almost overwhelming sense of doom looming over me. I probably will never find a girl with all the qualities I mentioned above. There is no such thing as The Perfect Girl. Plus, there are almost no girls that will go out with an unemployed, overweight, and apathetic person like me. Am I trapped forever in this life of mine, destined to go on alone?? Or am I more like a butterfly who is going to emerge from his cocoon as a completely changed being?? I don't know. I guess I'll get out of it about as much as I put into it.
I suppose I know what the answer should be...the latter one about the butterfly. I need to get motivated and change my life around. But with each attempt at motivating myself, comes the inevitable feeling that the task at hand is too overwhelming, which causes me to return to my old and tired self. Sad but true. I don't know why I do that. I don't lose interest in losing weight or finding a job, its just that the task seems too too overwhelming so I quit.
I think that too applies to the area of finding the love of my life. The task of finding the "one" seems too overwhelming to me. Who is to say that I haven't already met her and let her pass? Who is to say that she is right under my nose? Who is to say that she could be working at my next job?
So yeah, I want and need a girlfriend.