Eightieth Entry

Today is the last day of the year. Tonight, I am going to join my family at my cousins house to play some cards and to say farewell to 2002.

I really would have rather spent the New Years Eve with my friends, but that never works out. They are all up there and I'm down here. I like hanging out with my family here. They are cool and laid back. Pretty representative of the Tulare area, I suppose.

I have been giving a lot of thought to the fact that I have noone to kiss at the stroke of midnight. No one to intimately share this moment with. It has crossed my mind several times that I could have had someone to relieve my loneliness had I not been so selfish and frustrated. But its all for the better.

The relationship I was in was extremely unhealthy. Not good for both parties, though I can see that more than she can. I came within a blink of an eye to asking her to marry me. It would have been wrong. It's not her fault I am alone on New Years though, it's mine.

So back to square one...alone on New Years.

Maybe it's just my internal biological clock ticking or something, but now more than ever, I want to get married and start a family. Buy a house and make it a home...my home. Live the life of a happily married man with a few children running around causing "mischief".

The more I think of it, the more I wish it to happen.

So, to recap...I am alone on New Years Eve, I avoided perhaps the biggest mistake of my life at the expense of being alone during one of the most reflective times in the year, and I am alone on New Years Eve.

I hate Indian Givers.

Seventy-Ninth Entry

It was really foggy on my drive home from work today...unusually foggy. It was kinda cool. It was just pitch black all around me except in front where the headlights were shining.

I went to the Chiro today at lunch. I swear, today he tried to kill me. I even asked him if he was trying to break my ribs. He just laughed nervously as if he'd just been found out. Then he informed me that today would be my last treatment since I am doing really well.

Later in the afternoon, I went to the doctor. She said that since I was feeling a lot better, she would discharge me. She also warned me that if anything flares up again, I need to go back before 30 days have passed or else the Workmans Comp dies.

Yesterday was officially the longest time I had spent away from the office during working hours. We had the field review for five of the projects we are working on. For those of you who don't know...I mean...for the one person who actually reads this(Lisa)...a field review is a review process done with CalTrans for all projects that are requiring Federal money. It's basically just a way for CalTrans to take their frustrations out on smaller governmental agencies. Fun. So, yesterday, me, Marcia(boss), Jean(head of Operations), Bill(engineer), Kham(engineer), Randy and Kelly(CalTrans) all trekked out into the middle of nowhere, and Dinuba. There were a few stops along the way for the CalTrans people to get out of their truck, walk around a little bit, try to sound smart and intimidate us, and basically just make the process longer than it really needed to be.

One plus about it all yesterday though. After it was all done, we all (minus CalTrans) went to a Chinese restaurant in Dinuba where we(I) totally pigged out on Chinese food. My fortune said something like, "You are on the right road to happiness," which made me think that Tulare is the right place for me. But yeah right, 1 in 8 people at that restaurant yesterday got the same thing.

I was kinda stressing about my truck since Saturday cuz the "Service Engine Soon" light came on and scared me. Well, I took the truck in yesterday and it was just a malfunctioning sensor. They replaced it for free of course(good warranty).

I really can't think of anything else to say.

Seventy-Eighth Entry

As a result of scientific research and precise polling, I have determined that my readership has declined to 1. Yes, I now only have 1 regular reader. Is it really that hard to take five minutes out of a day to read someones journal? I wouldn't think so. But apparently it is. My readership numbers tell the story. I did have a readership all the way up to about 3. I shall call that period in my blogging, the "Golden Age". Hopefully thats a little premature, and the Golden Age is yet to come.

The reason I felt the need to blog is because I am watching Full Metal Jacket on TV and I just heard the absolute funniest line in any movie in the history of film. And since most of my friends are of the Asian Persuasion, I felt, hopefully, this quote would be appreciated and not offend anyone.
As you know, Full Metal Jacket is about the Vietnam War. The Americans that were there didn't really like the Vietnamese so every other word, you hear "fuckin VC" or "gook". This phrase is the absolute funniest thing in the world. "Inside every gook is an American trying to get out." I have never heard anything with such twisted logic! It is sooooo funny!!

That is all.

Seventy-Seventh Entry

Renewed Hope

Today was a good day. Three really good things happened today.

First, I decided to initiate a search for another job. I have been looking vigilantely online all day (even at work) for a new job. Nothing really promising yet, and I won't really apply for anything til probably mid-late January just to ensure I can still get my 6 mos at Tulare County. It also allows time for work to get good enough for me to be able to change my mind and stay.

Second, I got a call from the Chiropractor the County is sending me to and they received a fax from AIG saying that my claim is good and I can see a Chiropractor! Yea!! Hopefully the Chiropractor, whom I have an appointment with on Monday, will make this backpain go away.

Third, I finally fixed my computer after like a month without being able to play songs or videos. There was some other software that I had DL'ed that was conflicting with the Windows Media Player. I tried to DL other players, but they all sucked. So now I have my regular video and audio access back!! Very good.

So things are definitely looking up for me now...I'm not nearly as depressed as I was yesterday or earlier this week. Tomorrow, I was planning on going to Fresno for some congratulatory pearl tea and a trip to Best Buy. Not to buy anything, just to gawk at all the things I want. Or maybe I'll just hang out here in Tulare and convalesce. I guess at one point this weekend I need to get up and do laundry and clean my house.

Just a readership check...email me if you still read this. I may be writing just for my own enjoyment. In which case I will stop altogether.

Seventy-Sixth Entry

So after a futile attempt tonight to find what kind of beanie I want from my Festivist buddy, I decided that decisions on hear wear are better left to me. So I pulled the beanie off the list.

Now I am realizing that the person I picked for Festivist has completely impossible things to find on their list. Where the hell am I gonna find a blankety blank blank blank??? I have absolutely no idea.

I am totally starting to get out of the holiday spirit. I have to work. No more Winter Break as was the usual during my collegiate days.

I was reminded by Jane at work today that I am going to work for the next 40 years of my life. "Is that true?" I thought. Yes it is, young Phillip. You are going to work your ass off in a job you hate for the rest of my 'good years'. And by 'good years', I mean the years when I can actually get out and enjoy stuff. After 65, I guess I'll be happy just breathing and waking up in the morning.

So while I was having this uber-depressing conversation with Jane, I felt a sudden sense of impending doom. I am never going to do anything with my life! I always thought that I would be able to do something to help humanity in some way. What the fuck is paving roads and covering landfills gonna do for humanity?? A lot less than I hoped I'd be doing.

As long as I am stuck in an office, crunching numbers, I will never be satisfied. At least for now. I'm sure the system will break me, as it does everyone and I will become 'another brick in the wall' as it were(does that even make sense?).

So yeah, my depressing conversation with Jane this morning, and my triple-depressing conversation with Phil yesterday have really put me in a 'fuck-me' mood. 'Fuck-me' for wanting to be a productive member of society. 'Fuck-me' for wanting to do something more than sit behind a desk all day.

Whatever.

I finally got my Three Month Review today. I got a score of 6 out of 10. Please, close your mouths, dear readers...allow me to explain. My supervisor believes that noone ever deserves higher than a 6 for doing their job. I was informed that in order to get a 7 or higher, you have to do something really really special like invent a new and improved wheel or something. It's as rare as snow in Honolulu for anyone to get a 7 or higher. So I am happy about that. Does that mean I get a promotion? No. Does that mean I get a raise? No. Does is mean anything? Not really. Just that I am on track to passing probation in another 3 months. We have to have a score of 5 or higher to pass probation. Here's one for the record books...I got a score of 7 for interpersonal relations!! Me, agoraphobic, anxiety attack me got a 7 for interpersonal relations!! Wow.

Yesterday I get a call from the Chiropractor that the County doctor is sending me to for my physical therapy. The very nice and I'm assuming very good looking lady(she gave good phone) at the other end of the phone line told me that the Workmens Comp insurance was investigating my claim further(translation: they think I'm lying and hope that my "symptoms" will go away and they won't have to do anything). That delays the whole thing for 14 days. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. So, since my lame ass HMO doesn't cover Chiros, I can't get the physical therapy that I need. I hate it all!!!

My escape from all this has been TV. It's the one thing I can look forward to everyday. I get up, I turn the TV on while I get ready. I come home for lunch, I turn on the TV. I get home at the end of the day, I turn on the TV. I think I am in love with the TV. TV...will you marry me?? What would our kids look like?????

I get to register for classes at COS on Monday. That should be cool. Goin back to school again. I really miss school. It's a hell of a lot better than this real world. I am going to try to register for beginning Portuguese and beginning Spanish. I really wanted to learn German, but they don't offer a class. I also wanted to take glassblowing, but my aunt says that you have to take a bunch of Art prerequisites. In any case, next January I will hopefully be going to COS part-time.

Also, Monday morning(at 7am!!) I will be going to the dentist. Yea! Finally I can get my Wisdom teeth pulled or something.

That was a long blog, wasn't it.

Seventy-Fifth Entry

There goes my goal of updating my blog at least once a month.

I am now officially 'in dislike' with work. I was 'in hate' last week and the week before(mostly because of my back probs), but after a relaxing Thanksgiving holiday away from the valley, I feel somewhat better about work. Of course, if I was making more money, I would not be anywhere near 'in hate' with work, more like 'in like' or 'in love'. I cannot afford X-mas presents for anyone other than cards and the random Gift Certificate. I tried to complain to others at work, but my complaints fell on deaf ears because we all know there is nothing we can do about it at all. Our first measly raise of 5% comes at 6-mos. and rumor has it that there is another raise of 5% at the beginning of the next year. It is all bullshit and it is stinkin up the place. Our health insurance premium is increasing almost 5 times more than the County's portion is. There goes my 5% raise. It is really disgusting how the County is willing to let us die of hunger and disease.

There is going to be a protest by County Employees tomorrow at the Courthouse or something to protest the state of insurance benefits. I cannot go because, as a probie, I cannot use any vacation hours. So the time picketing would be unpaid time. Oh well. "Heck no, we won't go!!!" or my fav "Donna Martin graduates!!! Donna Martin Graduates!!!"

Other than shitty work, and eating grilled cheese twice a day for the rest of the week, I am doing well. My back is good, as long as I keep my friend Naproxen in my system. Yummm. I got a call from AIG today at work concerning my Workmans Comp claim and they had to verify my story and then they told me that since I did not report the injury in a timely fashion, they may delay my claim for up to 90 days. Merry Christmas to me.

Not to nag on it forever, but it really sucks to have a job that is supposed to be paying good money and where I should be able to afford some of the finer things in life, and it doesn't. I went to school for five fuckin years and what do I have to show for it? A $45,000 debt that instead of shrinking, actually grows because I have to use my CC's more than I did before!

At least the utils are cheaper than I had anticipated. I got the elec bill today and it was only $24. Pretty good I think. Especially considering everything in the house is electric: stove, oven etc. My last Gas bill was like $15. Phone and cable are like 5 times those two combined. Ehhh **shrug**.

Life goes on.