Seventy-Sixth Entry

So after a futile attempt tonight to find what kind of beanie I want from my Festivist buddy, I decided that decisions on hear wear are better left to me. So I pulled the beanie off the list.

Now I am realizing that the person I picked for Festivist has completely impossible things to find on their list. Where the hell am I gonna find a blankety blank blank blank??? I have absolutely no idea.

I am totally starting to get out of the holiday spirit. I have to work. No more Winter Break as was the usual during my collegiate days.

I was reminded by Jane at work today that I am going to work for the next 40 years of my life. "Is that true?" I thought. Yes it is, young Phillip. You are going to work your ass off in a job you hate for the rest of my 'good years'. And by 'good years', I mean the years when I can actually get out and enjoy stuff. After 65, I guess I'll be happy just breathing and waking up in the morning.

So while I was having this uber-depressing conversation with Jane, I felt a sudden sense of impending doom. I am never going to do anything with my life! I always thought that I would be able to do something to help humanity in some way. What the fuck is paving roads and covering landfills gonna do for humanity?? A lot less than I hoped I'd be doing.

As long as I am stuck in an office, crunching numbers, I will never be satisfied. At least for now. I'm sure the system will break me, as it does everyone and I will become 'another brick in the wall' as it were(does that even make sense?).

So yeah, my depressing conversation with Jane this morning, and my triple-depressing conversation with Phil yesterday have really put me in a 'fuck-me' mood. 'Fuck-me' for wanting to be a productive member of society. 'Fuck-me' for wanting to do something more than sit behind a desk all day.

Whatever.

I finally got my Three Month Review today. I got a score of 6 out of 10. Please, close your mouths, dear readers...allow me to explain. My supervisor believes that noone ever deserves higher than a 6 for doing their job. I was informed that in order to get a 7 or higher, you have to do something really really special like invent a new and improved wheel or something. It's as rare as snow in Honolulu for anyone to get a 7 or higher. So I am happy about that. Does that mean I get a promotion? No. Does that mean I get a raise? No. Does is mean anything? Not really. Just that I am on track to passing probation in another 3 months. We have to have a score of 5 or higher to pass probation. Here's one for the record books...I got a score of 7 for interpersonal relations!! Me, agoraphobic, anxiety attack me got a 7 for interpersonal relations!! Wow.

Yesterday I get a call from the Chiropractor that the County doctor is sending me to for my physical therapy. The very nice and I'm assuming very good looking lady(she gave good phone) at the other end of the phone line told me that the Workmens Comp insurance was investigating my claim further(translation: they think I'm lying and hope that my "symptoms" will go away and they won't have to do anything). That delays the whole thing for 14 days. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. So, since my lame ass HMO doesn't cover Chiros, I can't get the physical therapy that I need. I hate it all!!!

My escape from all this has been TV. It's the one thing I can look forward to everyday. I get up, I turn the TV on while I get ready. I come home for lunch, I turn on the TV. I get home at the end of the day, I turn on the TV. I think I am in love with the TV. TV...will you marry me?? What would our kids look like?????

I get to register for classes at COS on Monday. That should be cool. Goin back to school again. I really miss school. It's a hell of a lot better than this real world. I am going to try to register for beginning Portuguese and beginning Spanish. I really wanted to learn German, but they don't offer a class. I also wanted to take glassblowing, but my aunt says that you have to take a bunch of Art prerequisites. In any case, next January I will hopefully be going to COS part-time.

Also, Monday morning(at 7am!!) I will be going to the dentist. Yea! Finally I can get my Wisdom teeth pulled or something.

That was a long blog, wasn't it.