Ninety-First Entry

As written in bed last night...

I am lying here in bed feeling defeated.

This weekend was Mylinh's birthday party in San Luis Obispo. I was not invited. This did not surprise me at all. I really would have liked to have been invited, but as better judgement prevailed(if it was even a thought!), I wasn't. It is too soon. To be honest, I think that seeing her anytime before she leaves for Vietnam is too soon.

I knew today was the day my(invited) friends would get back from SLO. Like a soldiers' mother, waiting to hear news of her son from the warfront, I sat around nervously all night waiting for a call I was not sure I would get, with news about the weekend trip. I was actually rather excitable. I pounced on the phone only to find it was a wrong number. I was so sure I would get a call.

I didn't get a call.

"They hate me." "They are tired of all the drama." "They could care less."

Of course, I talked myself into believing that these are unreasonable thoughts.

"If they hated me, they would show it."

Although there is no obvious connection, my last thought led to the realization that I am miserable about the whole Mylinh thing. And the only reason I wanted to hear about the weekend is to hopefully confirm that Mylinh is as miserable as I am.

I think about her all the time. At work, at school, at home. She is in my dreams, visions, nightmares. The more I try to forget, the harder it is. At times I am "in regret". How could it have turned out? Could it have worked out?

But then my brain says, "Shut up heart, you ol' softy. You know the real reasons it ended." And to say that it is my brain saying that, is a stretch.

So when will my heart stop reminding me of what could have been? I don't know, and can't even begin to guess an answer.

Is someone trying to tell me something with all these feelings and thoughts? Perhaps a higher power trying to steer me down the correct path?

Its disgusting isn't it. This is the first time any of this has ever happened to me. I have never had these feelings, and I don't want them ever again.

Apparantly, the party was a huge success, complete with (poisonous?) fog machines and (contaminated?) tri-tip, according to Lisa's livejournal.

She seems to be moving on, so why can't I?

I need to do some intense thinking. I'll probably go "radio silent" for a few days.

I still, today, the day after yesterday, feel the same as I did when I wrote the above on my pad of Calvin and Hobbes paper.

And although, I like the idea of isolating myself for a few weeks and reflecting and possibly picking off the pieces of shit that landed all over my heart, I made a happy realization today: Mardi Gras is next weekend!!! Who wants to go? Parade is on Sunday at 2:03 pm. And you all know me, if I can't find anyone to go with, then I just won't go....sniff, sniff.