One Hundred Second Entry

It's been a while.

I have yet to complete my Cardio Bet requirement for the week. I think that I will fail. No time and no energy. I am completely drained after this week...the week from HELL!! Just Kidding. I was just tired all week.

Since the workout week is from Monday to Sunday, I still have this weekend to try and dig myself out of this little hole I've dug myself into. Arrrgh. I already hate this bet. It is so impossible!

Maybe I could do my walking while my clothes are at the laundromat. It takes about half an hour to wash and another half hour to dry. I could walk for 1 whole hour while my clothes are washing and drying. Very good thinking Phil...thanks Phil.

I am going to babysit my little cousins tomorrow while Paula is at work. It should be lots of fun. I get to watch Dalila play softball. After that, we come back to my house and watch TV all day. Paula gets off work at 1:30, so hopefully the kids won't be completely bored tomorrow. I don't know how I am going to keep them off my stairs though...I'll have to think about it.

Lisa's visit was a very welcome respit from my dreary weekend routine of doing nothing. I really enjoyed her company; it was good to see a fresh face. Thanks Lisa for coming down!!!!

Everything is officially in stone for the Boston trip. No thanks to me of course, it was all Jens doing. Thanks to her forward planning and excellent credit card wealth, everything is secure. She will be handsomely rewarded...lets just say the reward is ummm...yummy.

Jen wants to take the Fung Wah Bus into NY. At first I thought it was kind of shady. It only costs $20 round trip and it will all be Chinese people. This bus drives from Boston to NY in about 5 hours. But it drives to Chinatown in NY which is many miles away from our hotel in lower lower Manhattan. But, this afternoon, I spoke with Micah and she told me that she has taken the bus before and it is "crazy", in a good way. Even though she liked it, she said that since Chinatown is so far away from the hotel, we would not like lugging our luggage for like 5 miles on the Subway. I almost agree with her, but we would only have to do it twice on the whole trip, once to our hotel, and once to go back to Boston. Micah says that the Greyhound bus is the one she takes now because it drops you off in the middle of everything, Times Square, and is not much more expensive than the "China Bus", as she calls it. She also maintains that we should be able to just walk up to the ticket counter the day we need the ticket and buy it, like in the movies...hmmm...I don't know if I buy that.

Anywho, more excited about Boston, less excited about the Cardio Bet and somewhat apprehensive about babysitting tomorrow.

If I am alive tomorrow night, I will let you know how it went.

One Hundred First Entry

This is gonna get tricky in the 100's.

I am really excited about the Cardio Bet. I am also very excited about Boston in May.

I was excited about Canada in July, but noone in my family wants to go. So I put it out to the public. Does anyone want to fly to Toronto for my cousins wedding the weekend of July 4th? Ooooh, Toronto!! The largest city in Canada(I think). Fun, fun, fun!! Niagara Falls!! The CN Tower! I think I can take a guest to the wedding...interesting...I will have to check it out. But yeah if anyones interested.

I am excited that Lisa is going to be here on Thursday! I get to pick her up at the luxurious Hanford Train Depot and whisk her away to the fabulous Toste manor. There we will dine solely poultry cuisine and partake of the various activities in surrounding beautiful Tularia.

I have to get some sleep, the SARS is affecting my brain.

One Hundredth Entry

I never thought I would get this far! Wow!!! It has been a turbulent and trying 100 blogs. I'll spare the flashbacks, you can read them if you want to.

I watched "Not Another Teen Movie" last night. It was hilarious!!! Very "artfully" done.

I watched "Minority Report" today because I left work early due to my SARS. Very good movie!! I really enjoyed it all the way from the beginning to the end. Great 'Film Noir'(I learned that watching the Special Features DVD that came with it).

I am really getting excited about the whole Cardio Bet thing with Jen and Amy. Much exercise will be had by ALL!! I need something like this to get me motivated to workout. Lord knows I need it. Not to mention all the TV I will fall out of the habit of watching!!

I watch too much TV. My most recent obsession has been BBC America again. But Michael Richards was on Graham Norton last night! How could I not watch?

I have started a good habit recently. I read now at least 20 pages of a book before I go to sleep every night. It helps me fall asleep faster. I am not reading novels, just collections of short stories. It is easier to go to sleep when the issue in the story has been resolved. Thank you Isaac Asimov.

That is all.

Ninety-Ninth Entry

I only worked half a day today. I have SARS. I got the SARS from one of my coworkers, probably on Friday when we were driving around forever. It was fun though. I had never gone out in the field with Bill. He is a fun guy to work with. So yeah, he has been sick for like 2 weeks and decided it would be fun to pass it on to me. Oh well. After our drive we stopped at Perkos and ate. Being a good Catholic, I ate pancakes and eggs...no meat.

After work on Friday, I went home and packed for my trip up to the Bay. I was packed quickly and took off. I made good time...approx. 3.25 hours. I stopped at the SLUSD District Office to pay a visit to old coworkers. I stopped and visited my dad at Madison, then I went home. I did nothing, absolutely nothing on Friday. I hung out at home. It was fun. Fred showed me all sorts of stuff he has been doing on his computer. It was cool. If you all ever get the chance, check out this website, Homestar Runner. It is stupid funny. It is full of flash cartoons. Just surf around a little and check it out.

On Saturday, I woke up at the butt crack of 8. I took my truck in at 10 to be serviced and came back just in time to help my mom with the BBQ she was having at 4. The BBQ was in honor of my brothers birthday which was 3 weeks ago. Better late than never. It was a fun BBQ and a great excuse to have all my friends get together. It was nice to see Louis and Jen together. They are happy. Everyone was looking at Jen's ring. I could tell she was a little embarrassed by everyone wanting to see her ring. Louis was all showy with his. Typical Louis, of course. Kameelah(spelling?) was there and it was good to see her. She is doing very well. My parents were very impressed with her. My mom called me today and said that she and my aunt were talking about Kameelah and how sophistocated she is. I was like, yeah, she is. A very nice person.

After the BBQ, we went to Karaoke. It was really fun. There was a newcomer, Larry. He is one of Dayni's friends from Davis. After Karaoke, we went to IHOP. It was OK. Mylinh, of course, didn't eat anything. I worry about her sometimes....After IHOP, Dayni went with Larry to Mountain View to spend the night...hmmm.... Add on top of that the fact that I didn't see Dario this weekend and, well, you can draw your own conclusions. Just Kidding!!

Sunday I woke at 10. I went downstairs and sat outside and chatted with my parents for like 2 hours. It was cool. My brothers are completely lazy. They slept all morning. Ah, to be young again...

I went out to Pearl Tea with Jen and Lisa in Newark. It was good as usual.

I left my house at about 5:45 and made it back to my apartment at about 8:40. I made really good time! That was the first time under 3 hours in quite a while. It does help that I do live near a freeway on both ends of the trip.

And then I woke up this morning to congestion and SARS. If I die from this SARS, I blame all the Asians I encountered in Newark on Sunday. Just Kidding. I'm sure its just what Bill had last week.

So thats my recap. How is everyone else doing?

Ninety-Eighth Entry

I am back in San Leandro. And it is as wet and cold as I remember. Ahhhh....

I just got back from taking my truck in for its 30,000 mile service. More later...

Ninety-Seventh Entry

Good news to report, Fenix is alive!

A little after I got the news that she was dead, she came back. I did not find this out until today though.

So yeah, Fenix is alive and well, apart from being a little scared my the neighbors dogs.

night.

Ninety-Sixth Entry

Work was interesting today. I was somewhat busy today. One of the recent promotees is starting to get on my nerves. It's nothing too bad, just incessant. He was an instant ally because we both went to Cal Poly, and most everyone else went to Fresno State. I think a Mustang could stomp all over a bulldog any day.

Anyway, he is constantly commenting on my cigarette breaks. "I could smell your trail." Oh please, 50% of the people that work for the county smoke. That's what we get for living in an impoverished, undereducated county.

So I have bad news. Fenix, my brothers kitty, has apparantly met her maker at the hands of the neighbors dogs. She got out of the house and hopped the fence and met 2 big dogs. The last thing my brother heard was the dogs barking and a loud squeal by the kitty. He is pretty upset about it all. Oh well. That cat was all screwed up in the head. She was nuts. And who's fault was that, FRED??

I am tired. I have an exam tomorrow night in Psych. I haven't studied. This could be the end of my A's streak. Who cares!! Next week is Spring Break!! Wooo hoooo!!...I have to read 4 chapters by tomorrow night at 7pm. Each chapter is 30+ pages. Oy...

I have been in contact with Jen and she says that I could join in on the "bet". What bet? I asked her to clarify it.

I discovered the joy of internet radio at work last week. So many channels to choose from. I found this great British radio station from London that plays a lot of Brit pop and rock that you don't hear here. Supposedly, the powers that be downstairs don't care about internet radio use, just improper net surfing. Sounds lame.

I am thinking of skipping work for a few hours and going to the flea market on Thursday morning. I heard it is all that and a bag of frijoles, if you know what I mean. DVD's for $10. Sweeeet.

Anyone want to go to Canada in July? I am going to my cousins wedding on the 6th of July. Fortunately for me, the 4th of July is on the Friday prior and means one less vacation day. Double sweeeet. So yeah, the wedding is in Toronto. My parents are thinking of going too which means free everything, except for plane tix. I am planning on leaving July 3rd and returning either the 8th or 9th.

Wow, I am really on the move here! Two vacations in one year?? Wow.

And I still think I will have enough vacation come next February to go to Mardi Gras in Brasil. Triple sweeeet.

Well, I am off to study. Wish me luck.

Ninety-Fifth Entry

Work today was somewhat of a bear. I was soooo tired all day. I hate Daylight Savings or whatever it is.

I am feeling motivated by Jen's new website and blogs. I want to set a regimen for myself which includes working out, eating sensibly, and regaining that positive outlook on life. I think that once I am done with school I can devote more time(like I do any now) to working out and cooking more for myself. As it is now, the work out I get is walking at work, at school and at home. And I eat fast food four or five times a week cuz I am always on my way somewhere and its fast. Any tips Jen?

As per Lisa's request, I watched "Bend It Like Beckham". I DL'ed it off a certain file sharing program and watched it. It is a very funny movie. Thanks for the tips Lisa!!

I am soooooo tired. It's only 9:45!! Time for sleep.

Ninety-Fourth Entry

Today I had a thought of how funny it would be if someone referred to Amy Grant's music as foreign or alien. I thought of this while passing the intersection of Mooney and Prosperity (SB, of course) and instantly laughed out loud for at least a minute. Then I remembered that my window was open and thought it best to stop.

That was not the first time I had a hilariously funny thought whilst driving to and fro places and laughed out loud. In fact, it has been happening a lot recently. I had several yesterday. I wonder if it is a sign that I am exiting my "Winter funk". It must be.

Work is really looking up. I am super busy and on Thursday I was told that I get to play contract manager for a Caltrans project. I was really surprised because usually they want someone with a little more expertise in the "contract arts". Supposedly this is a good project to get acquainted with the ways of contract management. I am truly excited. Also, things are moving along very well with my preliminary engineering efforts for the overlays for next year. Things are looking up and a promotion in August to Engineer II is looking a lot more possible than it did a month ago.

I must say that I never thought that being so busy at work and having stuff pile everywhere would be so fulfilling. But after 2+ months of just fuckin around at work with nothing to do, you learn to enjoy hard work.

Something extremely odd happened at work on Thursday. I had to call Mindy(names changed to protect the idiot) at Caltrans. Mindy sounded like the type of woman you would just enjoy having a drink with after work. Very down to earth. Well, the conversation went a little like this...

Me: Hi, I was told by a co-worker that you are the contact at Caltrans for requests for as-builts.
Mindy: Yes, thats me!
Me: Excellent. I just have a few questions for you before I fax the request.
Mindy: Sure.
Me: How much does it cost to request the as-builts?
Mindy: We charge 25 cents a copy, but if there are less than 10, I will just do it for free.
Me: Well, I'm afraid I have quite a few more than 10.
Mindy: Well, if you want, you could send me the paper you want me to print it on.
Me: Excuse me?
Mindy: Yeah, just send me a ream of 11x17 paper and we'll call it even. If its OK with your boss...
Me: (Confused)Ummm...
Mindy: Well, we used to do it for free but I have a Paper Nazi here in the office.
Me: What??
Mindy: Yeah! There's a Paper Nazi that comes around and steals all the extra paper he can find! He is such a fuckin jackass!
Me:
Mindy: He comes around with his little metal push cart and takes all the extra paper! My boss even says that I should use the back side of old paper. I don't want to send that out to the public! They wouldn't know which side is theirs!!
Me: No, no of cour...
Mindy: These fuckin jackasses are so stingy with the paper.
Me: There are two of them?
Mindy: Yeah! They run around the office getting the paper!
Me: Bu...
Mindy: They don't care what we send out to the public!
Me: Hmm...I will have to talk to my boss and see if its alright to send you a whole ream of paper.
Mindy: Alright, let me know.
Me: Ok.
Mindy: Bye.

She had me rollin from the minute she said Paper Nazi and even more rollin when she started cussing. It was hilarious!!

So, I sent her the paper and the request. But I sent it with Khamsing. He is the other Engineer I, and lives in Fresno. He just took off a bit early on Friday to drop it off.

I swear, that call was the funniest thing that has ever happened to me at work.

(Dripping with no sarcasm!)And the fun starts again on Monday!

Ninety-Third Entry

(To the Eminem "Without Me" song)
Guess who's back.
Back again.
Phil is back.
Tell a friend.
Guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back, na na na.

Yes I am back and better than ever. With a new computer and a loaded arsenal, I can't go wrong.

After a month of no communication with the civilized world, I finally got my internet to work at home. Thank you all for all the lovely messages of encouragement through my troubled time.

Now to get you all caught up...

I got a raise at work, I got a new TV and computer, I have been doing really well in school, I have been to the coast TWICE!, I had two visitors from the Bay Area, I have eaten at many peoples houses, I have probably broken a record for the most consecutive trips to Taco Bell, I cleaned my house, messed it up, cleaned again and messed it up again, I have watched more hours of war coverage than all of you combined(except for maybe Louis), I have tried to quit smoking twice, I survived a white out rain/hail storm, I almost got poison oak, work got infinitely more interesting, and I have prepared my garage for painting(Lisa).

Now that you are all caught up, I have some interesting news to share with you all. I left work today and walked into a dust storm. Its not like the ones you see on TV in Iraq, it was more hazy-ish. It was extremely bizzare. It was about as windy today as it had been all winter.

Tell me something interesting about yourselves.

Ninety-Second Entry

I thought of something funny that I could have added to the end bit of my last entry about the Mardi Gras. I could have just modified that last entry, but then this would not have come through as an afterthought.

Jeff Murdoch(Coupling): "It's brilliant! Naked women and breasts! Breasts! Breasts, breasts, breasts!"

Thank you.

Ninety-First Entry

As written in bed last night...

I am lying here in bed feeling defeated.

This weekend was Mylinh's birthday party in San Luis Obispo. I was not invited. This did not surprise me at all. I really would have liked to have been invited, but as better judgement prevailed(if it was even a thought!), I wasn't. It is too soon. To be honest, I think that seeing her anytime before she leaves for Vietnam is too soon.

I knew today was the day my(invited) friends would get back from SLO. Like a soldiers' mother, waiting to hear news of her son from the warfront, I sat around nervously all night waiting for a call I was not sure I would get, with news about the weekend trip. I was actually rather excitable. I pounced on the phone only to find it was a wrong number. I was so sure I would get a call.

I didn't get a call.

"They hate me." "They are tired of all the drama." "They could care less."

Of course, I talked myself into believing that these are unreasonable thoughts.

"If they hated me, they would show it."

Although there is no obvious connection, my last thought led to the realization that I am miserable about the whole Mylinh thing. And the only reason I wanted to hear about the weekend is to hopefully confirm that Mylinh is as miserable as I am.

I think about her all the time. At work, at school, at home. She is in my dreams, visions, nightmares. The more I try to forget, the harder it is. At times I am "in regret". How could it have turned out? Could it have worked out?

But then my brain says, "Shut up heart, you ol' softy. You know the real reasons it ended." And to say that it is my brain saying that, is a stretch.

So when will my heart stop reminding me of what could have been? I don't know, and can't even begin to guess an answer.

Is someone trying to tell me something with all these feelings and thoughts? Perhaps a higher power trying to steer me down the correct path?

Its disgusting isn't it. This is the first time any of this has ever happened to me. I have never had these feelings, and I don't want them ever again.

Apparantly, the party was a huge success, complete with (poisonous?) fog machines and (contaminated?) tri-tip, according to Lisa's livejournal.

She seems to be moving on, so why can't I?

I need to do some intense thinking. I'll probably go "radio silent" for a few days.

I still, today, the day after yesterday, feel the same as I did when I wrote the above on my pad of Calvin and Hobbes paper.

And although, I like the idea of isolating myself for a few weeks and reflecting and possibly picking off the pieces of shit that landed all over my heart, I made a happy realization today: Mardi Gras is next weekend!!! Who wants to go? Parade is on Sunday at 2:03 pm. And you all know me, if I can't find anyone to go with, then I just won't go....sniff, sniff.

Ninetieth Entry

My computer works!! I had to uninstall "The Sims" and "Sim City 4". I guess I will just have to buy a new computer before I can play these games again. And, I guess that until I get a new computer, I will not be able to shut down my computer. It is going to be on forever!!!

But, I probably won't be able to get a new computer until late summer (Sept, Oct?).

Good news. We got our direct deposit pay stubs on Tuesday and our union contract went through! we got a 3% raise!! So now instead of making not nearly enough, I make so close to enough that its disgustingly annoying. Add on top of that my 6 month step increase of 5%, and I will be rollin' in it.

That should all happen next week. My 6 month probationary period will be over next Sunday. I have already filled out my vacation request for Boston in May, and the union application form. I will turn both in once my passing of probation is official from the 'brass' downstairs.

There is a tradition in the County that whenever something good happens to someone, they bring in donuts. Say it was someones birthday, bring in donuts. Say it was someones 30th anniversary of working with the county, bring in donuts. Say someone had a kid, bring in donuts. Say someone passes probation, bring in donuts. Next week I plan on breaking with tradition in favor of something a little more filling and marginally healthier...bagels and cream cheese(maybe Strawberry, Chive & Onion, Sun Dried Tomato). I like the idea. Another idea I was toying with was to buy like 4 pizzas for lunch and have like a lunch party.

I thought of a great name for my band on Tuesday at work..."Cool Commas". What do you think? We would be called "The Commas".

Or not.

Eighty-Ninth Entry

Friday the 14th

Valentines Day was as depressing as it always has been for me. I worked and drove home. I saw a really cool car fire on the 5. And I "caused a rift in deaths plan"(drink) as I was merging onto the 4-lane part of 580 near altamont. I got home like at 5:30 and went to dinner with my dad. We ate at El Amigo over here by my parents' house. Very good. Then I went over to Amy's house. I was the first one there for the "Alone on Valentines Day so lets everyone get together" party. We tried really hard for it to not be depressing, but I just couldn't help it. Oh well. This whole thing with Mylinh's birthday is throwing me into a massive shame spiral. The less I hear about it the better off I am. After the party, I went home and got drunk with Fred and Rouja. They are fun to drink with.

Saturday the 15th

Valentines Day came and went, with no casualties. Lucky me. I went to go see Final Destination 2 with Jen, who, incidentally, is the person I saw Final Destination with. It's all part of deaths design. Muahmuah. After that, we picked up Amy and went to Szechwan chicken. Very good. Then we went to pearl tea in Newark. It was very good, as usual. Then we hit Rasputins and I bought some rockin' records. And then we came home. I was supposed to go out to dinner with my family, but my mom was asleep and there is no waking her up when she is sleeping. So I slept. For two hours.
Then, Amy, Jen, Lisa and I went to karaoke with Fred and Rouja. It was a lot of fun. Then we went to Walmart where we did quality assurance checks of all the patio furniture and living room furniture. Jen was being stalked by a dirty old man. hahaha. I got home it was like at 3am and did not get to bed until 4:30. Infomercials are great!! I neeeeeed the FoodSaver vacuum sealing system!!

Sunday the 16th

Dayni calls me at the buttcrack of 10AM to tell me I am going to OSHA(thai cuisine place in SF) with her, Jen, Lisa and Carolyn. I had agreed to it the night before, so I went. Dayni drove. She absolutely hates driving in the city. We actually, seriously almost died in the car. But the food was really good. I had Pad Thai. After that, we decided to walk on down to FAO Schwartz toy store which is going out of business soon. I wanted to get some legos, but I didn't. The ones they had left sucked. After that, we noticed that there was an anti-war protest on market. So we joined in. It was really cool. Its hard to put into words the sensation of the cheers of the crowds getting louder and louder until finally we were cheering ourselves. It was very 1984, two-minute hate-esque.

Tonight

Tonight I am supposed to go to dinner with my family and go bowling after with friends. We'll see how that goes.

Eighty-Eighth Entry

Today I thought of a great storyline for a movie.

I tried to do my taxes today. It is so hard filling out the 1040 form. I have always just used the 1040EZ, but now that I have Student Loan Interest I can deduct, I have to fill out either the 1040A or the 1040. I really dont know what the difference is between the two, but it must be something. Itemized this, credit that. It's all Czech to me.

My cousin Rodrigo is spending the night at my house tonight. We went out and ate at Togos in Visalia. It was as good as I remember. Last time I ate there was like two weeks ago in San Leandro...right around the last time I saw and heard from Louis. I am convinced that his disappearance has to do with either his election to the School Board or Jen. I'm glad he has found happiness. But that doesn't mean he can ignore 3 messages! Just kidding.

We rented Goldmember tonight. I was reluctant to rent it because I had already seen it, but my cousin hadn't. It was still funny. Lots o' Laughs. My cousin pointed out something in the movie that I hadn't and should've noticed before. In the scene where they are chasing Goldmember and accidentally run into Godzilla(but not really) there was a Pokemon character running in front of it. Charmander! I was surprised to see that.

I was supposed to practice piano today, but I didn't. Shame on me. The longer I don't practice the piano, the nastier things will get for me in class. Yes, I said nastier. That is one quirk(of the many) of the professor in Piano. She likes to say nasty. Not in a nasty way(like "Ms. Jackson, if you're nasty"), but in a more innocent way(like "Gee Rose-Marie, that sure was a nasty twister.")

I got a call from Lisa on Thursday. I was glad that she called. I'm always glad when she calls. I sure am going to miss her when she goes to China.

Amy called me on Friday night. I too was glad to hear from her. She still hates work(I can totally sympathize). She told me how to peel an avocado. I am always glad when Amy calls too.

Last night, my cousin Paula had a BBQ. I was there, my aunt and cousin were there. It was a lot of fun. I took a green salad(with avocado). We played an interesting game called gender-bender. It was a fun game, but it is definitely for an older crowd. A 15 year old and an 11 year old should not be playing. After that we played Pictionary and loved it.

I have noticed that most of my blogs have some sort of squishy thoughts and stuff. So, I have decided to warn you when the blog entry is about to get squishy with this disclaimer: "WARNING: This blog entry is about to get emotional. Any similarities to any events or persons, dead or alive, is purely coincidental. Any harm or damage done to a readers emotional and mental state is not the fault of the blogger because IT AIN'T HAPPENING TO YOU!!" What do you think?

"WARNING: This blog entry is about to get emotional. Any similarities to any events or persons, dead or alive, is purely coincidental. Any harm or damage done to a readers emotional and mental state is not the fault of the blogger because IT AIN'T HAPPENING TO YOU!!"
I have been thinking a lot about how I am, yet again, going to be alone for Valentine's Day. Depressing, depressing, depressing. Depressing, depressing, depressing. Depressing, depressing, depressing. I can't help thinking that I could have had a special someone to share Valentine's Day with. Picture it...

I would call her the night before Valentine's Day and tell her to pack for a little road trip. Nothing special, I would say. I would pick her up from her house at 7am the following morning and present her with a dozen red roses. I would tell her, "There aren't enough roses in the world, to express how much I love you."
We would get into my car and she would ask, "Where are we going?" To which I respond, "It's a surprise."
I would make the drive up to Lake Tahoe where the air is a crisp 35 degrees and there is still snow on the ground. I turn off the highway and head down a dirt road through the heavily wooded forest to a remote, yet well-kept lakeside cabin. The view of the lake and mountains from the cabin is breath-taking.
I would help her out of the car and tell her that the luggage can wait. I would produce the key to the cabin and slowly open the door. Inside, a fire is already going in the fireplace, and there are hundreds upon hundreds of red roses in various locations throughout this two room cabin. The scent of roses strong, yet not overpowering. She is extremely happy and instantly starts to tearup. I shut the door and lead her to the sofa across from the fire. We just lay there in each others arms, telling each other how much we love one another. We both fall asleep peacefully, comforted in the thought that we will always and forever have one another.

Depressing, isn't it. This is a little fantasy I had at work this week. And notice there is no sex in it! Depressing, depressing, depressing. I could cry.

Eighty-Seventh Entry

I have just finished watching the best movie I have seen in a great long while. "Bourne Identity" is an excellent action/thriller/suspense movie. To all of you who have not seen it, it is a must see.

Night

Eighty-Sixth Entry

I have decided that I do not want to be engaged by the end of the year. Whatever happens, happens. I can't force anything.

I think the reason I was wanting to get married is cuz I was really lonely. But now that I have school to worry about, I have a great diversion from the empty pit of darkness in my heart.

Later

Eighty-Fifth Entry

It has indeed been a while since I posted anything in my blog. I dont blame you all for not reading. But, as you have probably heard, I am rearry busy with work and school.

Work
Work has been especially busy this week. I made the final push on my overlay projects(Contract 2), and it still wasn't enough. Probably just another half of a day on Monday and it will be done.

We had a bid opening on Wednesday for Contract 1. This particular contract was a giant headache for everyone in the Design division. It consists of 11 projects. One of which was mine, Avenue 224, or as I like to call it, "My Quarter Million, Quarter Mile." The opening went well; five contractors submitted bids. Our "Engineer's Estimate" came in right where we wanted it to, about one third lower from the highest bid.

But, apart from the actual work we do, something very extremely interesting happened on Tuesday.
The Story:
Bill, a 55-ish engineer, is sitting at his desk getting things ready for Wednesdays bid opening. It is his responsibility to get these things done because he was the Project Engineer on Contract 1. Phil, Bill's supervisor(also mine), went to check up on Bill and tell him what he wanted for the Bid Opening. Background: For the longest time, those two absolutely hate each other. I often find myself on the listening end of one of Bill's vents about Phil. While Bill is very vocal about his dislike of Phil, Phil just doesn't get into it. Phil is a much calmer(dare I say...professional!?) person than Bill is. I really like them both, so choose not to take sides. Phil goes into Bill's cube and starts to tell him that he needs to be present for the bid opening and write down the bids as they come in(which, by the way, is the way it is done all over the world). Bill goes on the offensive and tells Phil that he does not have to go to the bid opening because Marcia said he didn't. Phil (calmly)"Yes you are." Bill (louder)"No I'm not." Phil (still calmly)"Yes you are." Bill (even louder)"No I'm not. Marcia said I didn't have to! Let's get her in here!" Phil (remarkably, still calmly)"We don't need her in here. You need to go to the bid opening." Bill (yelling)"Get her in here!! Get her in here!!"
Now, for those of you who work or have worked in offices with rows and rows of cubes full of people quietly working it is easy to understand how unsettling hearing something like this is. Our office is normally very quiet, except when I go into Janes office(she makes me laugh), so this unusual yelling was shocking. And it wasn't polite yelling like your parents did to you in a store. Everyone on our end of the building on our floor heard it. It was definately an odd way to start the work week. Since then, they haven't so much as looked at one another.

Now, no offense to Phil or Bill, but their relationship is that of a Jock and Nerd. Bill is a jock. Phil is a nerd. Bill is an atypical engineer. Phil is a stereotypical engineer. It was bound to happen someday.

At least we have a new topic to discuss at breaktime.

School

School is going great. I actually ditched my first class of the semester this week cuz I wanted to work late on Wednesday. Yeah, Spanish had to take a backseat to Bid Results and cramming for Psych.

Schedule of classes:

Spanish 1 - MW 5-7
Cinema 32 - M 7-10
Portuguese 1 - TR 7-9
Psychology 1 - W 7-10
Music 20 - R 5-7

I really like all my classes. Here is a little on all the classes I am taking at COS(College of the Sequoias).

Spanish 1: The teacher is white. Even I can tell his accent when he speaks Spanish. But he also teaches at one of the high schools in Visalia. And he is a good teacher. The material so far (numbers, alphabet, greetings) is basic and easy.
I got a B on the first test. The tests are stupid though. Most of the questions are "Choose the one that does not fit with the rest." 6 of the questions of this type were just lists of numbers. Now, anyone who has at least an 8th grade education can come up with any reason for why any of them dont fit. Apparantly the teacher didn't pass the eighth grade. I got like 3 wrong out of those. He does give us an opportunity to challenge his answers, but only in writing. I should just tell him I am an engineer and he'd back off.

Cinema 32: All we do in this class is watch movies in the first Stadium Seating theater in the state. Its that old. So's the teacher and all the movies we've seen so far.
The prof gives us a questionnaire at the beginning of class to fill out as we watch the movie. So we watch the movie(last week was "The Adventures of Robin Hood") and fill out the answers to the questions. There's a catch...we have to fill up all the white space on both sides of the sheet. Usually there are 9 or 10 questions per night. It really takes a lot to write(in ink...or else) 9-10 questions on two sides of a paper in a reasonable amount of time. I usually stay after for like 30 minutes filling the white space with mindless drivel that somewhat has something to do with the question. No tests!!

Portuguese 1: This class is fun. It's the funnest foreign language class I have ever taken. I hate getting up in front of class and swatting a fly swatter at the projection screen, but I am getting used to it. The prof makes the class a lot of fun with activities like the fly swatter one. We've played bingo too.
This teacher was actually born in the Azores one village over from my Dad's. Pretty cool.
He also teaches at Tulare Union HS in Tulare. My cousin Igo is in his class. One day the teacher asked me if Rodrigo was my cousin. I said yes. Oh, lord I thought. But he didn't drag it out or anything. Last night he asked me who my father was. It was like the twilight zone or something.
Last night we also had a test which I absolutely killed.

Psychology 1: I love this class, I love this class, I love this class. We took a test on Wednesday and I got a 95% on 2.5 hours of loose studying. The test was really easy.
The prof is an actual psychologist and has a practice somewhere in Visalia. The class is fun because the prof is really fun. He is extremely go with the flow and his lectures sometimes turn into a class discussion where it seems like the discussion is really a stream of our collective consciousness. It is really cool.
He is a good teacher because he presents the material very well and in a way that anyone could understand. Not that he dumbs it down or anything, but the way he explains things is good.

Music 20: Beginning Piano is a really fun class. The teacher told us at the beginning that by the end of the semester we would be playing like someone who had private lessons for three years. Although I would love to believe that, I just don't think it is possible.
This teacher is just a spaz and a half. She is just all over the class. Full of energy. And she has the funniest laugh. I'll imitate it for y'all next time i go home.
Right now in class we are starting to learn how to read notes. This class is pretty fast paced without seeming so. Its weird. We are all picking it up pretty fast. We've already learned all the five finger patterns, major chords, the Key Circle thingy, and all the theory behind it. I really like this class.

So that is it. Five classes in four days. Its fun. It keeps me really busy. I have a test in Portuguese next week.

And on the seventh day, he rested.

Eighty-Fourth Entry

I really really want to go to Europe right now.

If you go back and re-read the Eighty-First Entry, my #1 New Years Resolution is to find a mate. I changed it shortly after I wrote that. I will be engaged by the end of the year.

Of course, the other two resolutions will need to happen if I am going to be serious about this one. I need to loose weight because a dead me isn't going to attract any living, breathing, heaving woman. I need to quit smoking because if I can make it stick, I think it would be the single largest confidence booster I've had to date, and in turn help the other two resolutions. And plus, who likes to makeout with an ashtray??

So, since I will be engaged by the end of the year, I need to sow my oats (with protection, of course) and do all the things you can only do when single. Like go to Europe. Imagine how spense it would be to take a wife and 5 kids for a 2 month tour of Italy!

Other news...

Tomorrow I start school. I have two classes tomorrow, Spanish and Cinema. The cinema class is supposed to be really easy all we do is sit there and watch movies(or so I've heard).

Much props to Amy on her 25th birthday!! If this was the 1500's, she would have been married for 10 years and have 5 kids. Kinda makes you happy we live in the 21st century and we live longer than 40 years.

I am going up to the Bay Area this coming weekend to celebrate the greatest man in the history of Civil Rights, Martin Luther King, Jr. Lets give it up for MLK, Jr!!!

Readership check. Only one person responded to my last readership poll...Carolyn. So I suppose it is safe to say that my readership has dwindled to 1. And Carolyn is really only a part time reader, but fortunately, it rounds up to 1. So email me if you read and let me know you read it. I really want to know if I should be keeping up with it as much as I have been recently. It really makes no sense to keep it up if noone reads. So Carolyn, get out the vote! The fate of "The Stories" lies in your hands.

On an interesting note: I am thinking of starting a separate blog detailing the exact goings on of my daily life. Like:

7am, Got to work
8am, Started to pretend to work
9am, Started to actually work
10am, Morning break...etc. etc. etc.

Let me know what you think. I would make it a public thing, but I may one day have an extended session of masturbating that I wouldn't want anyone to know about, but felt needed to be logged. "So that's why you didn't answer the phone!"

I'll be here all week! Good night!!

Eighty-Third Entry

So yeah, this week I had no cable nor cable modem....til today.

Everyone should check out the following site. Funny Junk

I promise, I will write more later.

Eighty-Second Entry

I will not rant about being mostly alone on New Years, because that is my fault. I could have gone over to my aunts house, but didn't. I didn't really feel alone anyway. I watched the TV and started to pack up my belongings.

I got the keys for my new apartment today at lunch. I did not go there though, because I was told that the cleaning crew was still there, but would be done by mid-afternoon. I have to work today anyway, so it worked out. So tonight, probably about 6:15pm, I will walk in my brand new apartment. I have a garage!! I can just smell and see the paint that the inside is going to take. I will be moving this weekend with the help of mom and dad. There really isn't that much to move, really. Probably 4 or 5 truck loads. Not that much. The one problem is that I haven't transferred any of my services yet(electic, gas, phone, and most importantly, cable and internet). But I really don't care because they will get there when they get there.

So, tonight I will start to move the non-essentials like books, clothes, etc. Great fun. I could like camp out there and pretend I'm rich enough to have two houses...one for my family and one for my mistress...

Any ideas on what I should cook for my first meal in my lovely new home? I'm shake n' baked out, so think of something else Jen.

I am thinking of having a house warming party in February. It will probably be mostly family because friends are so far away(side note: my family are becoming my friends!!) So if anyone wants to come on down for a good old fashioned barn raising, let me know! Hopefully I will have electricity, gas, phone and cable by then. :)

I would really like to do another readership census. Please email me when you read this by either trying to remember my email address or by lazily clicking on the link on this page.

And, if I do decide to have a house warming party, I will send out all the proper invitations. I'll see if I can get a grill by then and we can have like hamburgers or something!!! Yumm yumm!

Eighty-First Entry

January 1, 2003

I am a big believer that what you do and how you act on the first day of the year is going to set the tone for the rest of the year.

I had the oddest of odd dreams this morning...but in thinking about it it makes complete sense.

From what I can remember...

I was driving a Mini Cooper type car. I pull up somewhere and I see Katie Couric. She hands me a newborn baby boy. I wasn't too shocked or anything. I guess I must have adopted him or something. He had very light blond hair, and green eyes. He was my son. I never thought I could love anyone as much as I loved him in my dream.

I watched him grow up. Through school, sports practices, etc. I gave him all the advice I could think and raised him as best I could. The dream ended with him being lost in a mall somewhere. He was 17-ish. I found him and took him home.

I woke up.

I have been thinking about this dream all day. I came to the conclusion that I am ready to start a family. I am in a position now where I can afford the responsibility to start one. I know that I have a lot of things I want to do with my life like go back to school, travel a lot but as of right now, I feel I am very ready to give all that up and start a family.

New Years Resolution #1: Look for a woman that can give me all I want. A woman that I can love forever and will be an excellent mother to my children. A woman I can settle down with in a two story farm-style house with a porch that runs the full perimeter of the house.

For some reason, this week I have been having "chick insecurities" (no offense all you chicks) about the way I look. Usually I dont really care that I have giant masses of fat all over my body, but for some reason this week I am just so over it. I need to start working out. I need to get healthy. Eating biscuits and gravy all the time ain't gonna help either, so thats goin out the door.

New Years Resolution #2: Start exercising regularly and become invisible.

This week has also become the week I fell off the wagon. I am now back to smoking a pack a day. I was doing pretty well for a while, but the temptation from watching co-workers smoking proved to be too much. It's not their fault at all. I should have just kept on the bigger patch for longer.

New Years Resolution #3: Quit smoking, once and for all.

So there are my three New Years Resolutions. I think I can for sure accomplish one of them, and the other two kinda go hand in hand, and without one you cant have the other.

A very odd thing non related to New Years....The past two weeks I have received two phone calls from two of my Ex's friends. Both were incoherent and bizzare. I have also been in contact with my Ex twice in that period. Once was a friendly Xmas call where I wished her a Merry Christmas. The other was this weekend when she called me to ask for a book she had "given" me. I was this close to burning the last remaining photos of me and her. Apart from the Xmas call, which I made in an effort to be a friend, why am I getting these drunken phone calls and messages? In an effort to not over-analyze the situation, because of Jen's inferred advice, I tried not to think anything of it. But I can't. Over-Analysis:
My Ex on several occasions thinks about 'us' with pain and malice. And in an effort to make my life miserable, has her friends call me at the worst possible times with incoherent drivel.

But I was advised not to over-analyze things.

I really, really hate Indian givers.

Eightieth Entry

Today is the last day of the year. Tonight, I am going to join my family at my cousins house to play some cards and to say farewell to 2002.

I really would have rather spent the New Years Eve with my friends, but that never works out. They are all up there and I'm down here. I like hanging out with my family here. They are cool and laid back. Pretty representative of the Tulare area, I suppose.

I have been giving a lot of thought to the fact that I have noone to kiss at the stroke of midnight. No one to intimately share this moment with. It has crossed my mind several times that I could have had someone to relieve my loneliness had I not been so selfish and frustrated. But its all for the better.

The relationship I was in was extremely unhealthy. Not good for both parties, though I can see that more than she can. I came within a blink of an eye to asking her to marry me. It would have been wrong. It's not her fault I am alone on New Years though, it's mine.

So back to square one...alone on New Years.

Maybe it's just my internal biological clock ticking or something, but now more than ever, I want to get married and start a family. Buy a house and make it a home...my home. Live the life of a happily married man with a few children running around causing "mischief".

The more I think of it, the more I wish it to happen.

So, to recap...I am alone on New Years Eve, I avoided perhaps the biggest mistake of my life at the expense of being alone during one of the most reflective times in the year, and I am alone on New Years Eve.

I hate Indian Givers.

Seventy-Ninth Entry

It was really foggy on my drive home from work today...unusually foggy. It was kinda cool. It was just pitch black all around me except in front where the headlights were shining.

I went to the Chiro today at lunch. I swear, today he tried to kill me. I even asked him if he was trying to break my ribs. He just laughed nervously as if he'd just been found out. Then he informed me that today would be my last treatment since I am doing really well.

Later in the afternoon, I went to the doctor. She said that since I was feeling a lot better, she would discharge me. She also warned me that if anything flares up again, I need to go back before 30 days have passed or else the Workmans Comp dies.

Yesterday was officially the longest time I had spent away from the office during working hours. We had the field review for five of the projects we are working on. For those of you who don't know...I mean...for the one person who actually reads this(Lisa)...a field review is a review process done with CalTrans for all projects that are requiring Federal money. It's basically just a way for CalTrans to take their frustrations out on smaller governmental agencies. Fun. So, yesterday, me, Marcia(boss), Jean(head of Operations), Bill(engineer), Kham(engineer), Randy and Kelly(CalTrans) all trekked out into the middle of nowhere, and Dinuba. There were a few stops along the way for the CalTrans people to get out of their truck, walk around a little bit, try to sound smart and intimidate us, and basically just make the process longer than it really needed to be.

One plus about it all yesterday though. After it was all done, we all (minus CalTrans) went to a Chinese restaurant in Dinuba where we(I) totally pigged out on Chinese food. My fortune said something like, "You are on the right road to happiness," which made me think that Tulare is the right place for me. But yeah right, 1 in 8 people at that restaurant yesterday got the same thing.

I was kinda stressing about my truck since Saturday cuz the "Service Engine Soon" light came on and scared me. Well, I took the truck in yesterday and it was just a malfunctioning sensor. They replaced it for free of course(good warranty).

I really can't think of anything else to say.

Seventy-Eighth Entry

As a result of scientific research and precise polling, I have determined that my readership has declined to 1. Yes, I now only have 1 regular reader. Is it really that hard to take five minutes out of a day to read someones journal? I wouldn't think so. But apparently it is. My readership numbers tell the story. I did have a readership all the way up to about 3. I shall call that period in my blogging, the "Golden Age". Hopefully thats a little premature, and the Golden Age is yet to come.

The reason I felt the need to blog is because I am watching Full Metal Jacket on TV and I just heard the absolute funniest line in any movie in the history of film. And since most of my friends are of the Asian Persuasion, I felt, hopefully, this quote would be appreciated and not offend anyone.
As you know, Full Metal Jacket is about the Vietnam War. The Americans that were there didn't really like the Vietnamese so every other word, you hear "fuckin VC" or "gook". This phrase is the absolute funniest thing in the world. "Inside every gook is an American trying to get out." I have never heard anything with such twisted logic! It is sooooo funny!!

That is all.

Seventy-Seventh Entry

Renewed Hope

Today was a good day. Three really good things happened today.

First, I decided to initiate a search for another job. I have been looking vigilantely online all day (even at work) for a new job. Nothing really promising yet, and I won't really apply for anything til probably mid-late January just to ensure I can still get my 6 mos at Tulare County. It also allows time for work to get good enough for me to be able to change my mind and stay.

Second, I got a call from the Chiropractor the County is sending me to and they received a fax from AIG saying that my claim is good and I can see a Chiropractor! Yea!! Hopefully the Chiropractor, whom I have an appointment with on Monday, will make this backpain go away.

Third, I finally fixed my computer after like a month without being able to play songs or videos. There was some other software that I had DL'ed that was conflicting with the Windows Media Player. I tried to DL other players, but they all sucked. So now I have my regular video and audio access back!! Very good.

So things are definitely looking up for me now...I'm not nearly as depressed as I was yesterday or earlier this week. Tomorrow, I was planning on going to Fresno for some congratulatory pearl tea and a trip to Best Buy. Not to buy anything, just to gawk at all the things I want. Or maybe I'll just hang out here in Tulare and convalesce. I guess at one point this weekend I need to get up and do laundry and clean my house.

Just a readership check...email me if you still read this. I may be writing just for my own enjoyment. In which case I will stop altogether.

Seventy-Sixth Entry

So after a futile attempt tonight to find what kind of beanie I want from my Festivist buddy, I decided that decisions on hear wear are better left to me. So I pulled the beanie off the list.

Now I am realizing that the person I picked for Festivist has completely impossible things to find on their list. Where the hell am I gonna find a blankety blank blank blank??? I have absolutely no idea.

I am totally starting to get out of the holiday spirit. I have to work. No more Winter Break as was the usual during my collegiate days.

I was reminded by Jane at work today that I am going to work for the next 40 years of my life. "Is that true?" I thought. Yes it is, young Phillip. You are going to work your ass off in a job you hate for the rest of my 'good years'. And by 'good years', I mean the years when I can actually get out and enjoy stuff. After 65, I guess I'll be happy just breathing and waking up in the morning.

So while I was having this uber-depressing conversation with Jane, I felt a sudden sense of impending doom. I am never going to do anything with my life! I always thought that I would be able to do something to help humanity in some way. What the fuck is paving roads and covering landfills gonna do for humanity?? A lot less than I hoped I'd be doing.

As long as I am stuck in an office, crunching numbers, I will never be satisfied. At least for now. I'm sure the system will break me, as it does everyone and I will become 'another brick in the wall' as it were(does that even make sense?).

So yeah, my depressing conversation with Jane this morning, and my triple-depressing conversation with Phil yesterday have really put me in a 'fuck-me' mood. 'Fuck-me' for wanting to be a productive member of society. 'Fuck-me' for wanting to do something more than sit behind a desk all day.

Whatever.

I finally got my Three Month Review today. I got a score of 6 out of 10. Please, close your mouths, dear readers...allow me to explain. My supervisor believes that noone ever deserves higher than a 6 for doing their job. I was informed that in order to get a 7 or higher, you have to do something really really special like invent a new and improved wheel or something. It's as rare as snow in Honolulu for anyone to get a 7 or higher. So I am happy about that. Does that mean I get a promotion? No. Does that mean I get a raise? No. Does is mean anything? Not really. Just that I am on track to passing probation in another 3 months. We have to have a score of 5 or higher to pass probation. Here's one for the record books...I got a score of 7 for interpersonal relations!! Me, agoraphobic, anxiety attack me got a 7 for interpersonal relations!! Wow.

Yesterday I get a call from the Chiropractor that the County doctor is sending me to for my physical therapy. The very nice and I'm assuming very good looking lady(she gave good phone) at the other end of the phone line told me that the Workmens Comp insurance was investigating my claim further(translation: they think I'm lying and hope that my "symptoms" will go away and they won't have to do anything). That delays the whole thing for 14 days. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. So, since my lame ass HMO doesn't cover Chiros, I can't get the physical therapy that I need. I hate it all!!!

My escape from all this has been TV. It's the one thing I can look forward to everyday. I get up, I turn the TV on while I get ready. I come home for lunch, I turn on the TV. I get home at the end of the day, I turn on the TV. I think I am in love with the TV. TV...will you marry me?? What would our kids look like?????

I get to register for classes at COS on Monday. That should be cool. Goin back to school again. I really miss school. It's a hell of a lot better than this real world. I am going to try to register for beginning Portuguese and beginning Spanish. I really wanted to learn German, but they don't offer a class. I also wanted to take glassblowing, but my aunt says that you have to take a bunch of Art prerequisites. In any case, next January I will hopefully be going to COS part-time.

Also, Monday morning(at 7am!!) I will be going to the dentist. Yea! Finally I can get my Wisdom teeth pulled or something.

That was a long blog, wasn't it.

Seventy-Fifth Entry

There goes my goal of updating my blog at least once a month.

I am now officially 'in dislike' with work. I was 'in hate' last week and the week before(mostly because of my back probs), but after a relaxing Thanksgiving holiday away from the valley, I feel somewhat better about work. Of course, if I was making more money, I would not be anywhere near 'in hate' with work, more like 'in like' or 'in love'. I cannot afford X-mas presents for anyone other than cards and the random Gift Certificate. I tried to complain to others at work, but my complaints fell on deaf ears because we all know there is nothing we can do about it at all. Our first measly raise of 5% comes at 6-mos. and rumor has it that there is another raise of 5% at the beginning of the next year. It is all bullshit and it is stinkin up the place. Our health insurance premium is increasing almost 5 times more than the County's portion is. There goes my 5% raise. It is really disgusting how the County is willing to let us die of hunger and disease.

There is going to be a protest by County Employees tomorrow at the Courthouse or something to protest the state of insurance benefits. I cannot go because, as a probie, I cannot use any vacation hours. So the time picketing would be unpaid time. Oh well. "Heck no, we won't go!!!" or my fav "Donna Martin graduates!!! Donna Martin Graduates!!!"

Other than shitty work, and eating grilled cheese twice a day for the rest of the week, I am doing well. My back is good, as long as I keep my friend Naproxen in my system. Yummm. I got a call from AIG today at work concerning my Workmans Comp claim and they had to verify my story and then they told me that since I did not report the injury in a timely fashion, they may delay my claim for up to 90 days. Merry Christmas to me.

Not to nag on it forever, but it really sucks to have a job that is supposed to be paying good money and where I should be able to afford some of the finer things in life, and it doesn't. I went to school for five fuckin years and what do I have to show for it? A $45,000 debt that instead of shrinking, actually grows because I have to use my CC's more than I did before!

At least the utils are cheaper than I had anticipated. I got the elec bill today and it was only $24. Pretty good I think. Especially considering everything in the house is electric: stove, oven etc. My last Gas bill was like $15. Phone and cable are like 5 times those two combined. Ehhh **shrug**.

Life goes on.

Seventy-Fourth Entry

Even though none of you read Portuguese, I found the Big Brother Famosos web page which is the Portuguese version of Big Brother. The Famosos part implies that the houseguests are celebrities in Portugal. Very interesting. Big Brother Famosos. Check it out.

Today at work, I found out that the contract I am working on, which consists of two long asphalt overlay projects(with some road reconstruction) is due on October 28th. I know that I can get this Contract out in time, but hearing the exact deadline for the first time today made me nervous. I am somewhat scared. My first solo project needs to be a complete PS&E(Plans, Specs and E, whatever that is) deliverable on October 28th. Shiver me timbers!!!

Oh yeah, as I was going over the boilerplate for the contract today, I noticed that some of the addresses they spec'd for some of the products needed for roadway safety are completely wrong. Tomorrow, I have the daunting task of trying to call these folks and asking them for their correct address and making sure they still sell the items we need. ARRGH!!!

My brother said that he might be coming down to Tulare this weekend. He was supposed to go to San Diego again, but he found out that Lesters parents are going down there to visit. And partying with someones parents is never fun.

Tomorrow I am going to get up super early and drive to Fresno to get Krispy Kreme to bring to work. They are going to love me!!! That is if I get up on time...approx. 5:30 am.

Seventy-Third Entry

I was falling asleep at work today...AGAIN. I have been bedding down at about 7.5 hours before my alarm clock wakes me up, but I lay there forever.

I am soooo tired of my spare room being so messed up that I have to rotate between using the mouse and the keyboard on the same surface.

I have to do laundry before I run out of clothes this week. I will probably do it tomorrow after work. I forgot about it today.

I made a list of Big Ticket items I need to purchase before this house can be called a home...washing machine, guitar...

I need to find a dentist and pay a visit to my Blue Cross assigned doctor in Hanford. Its not that far...just like 20 minutes.

As has been happening a lot recently, my busiest time at work is the 1.5 hours before its time to leave.

Everyone watch Road Rules tonight. My friend Micah, from Boston called me to say that tonights season finale takes place at Cal Poly. Very cool.

Today, more than ever, I felt like a second class citizen at work. I just realized it this instant. I have the oldest computer, the poorest lit cube, no AutoCAD 2000(even if it is Lite). What is up with that?? I guess as long as they keep paying me.

This morning I was all psyched to have been invited to Jack Johnson concert by my then new best friend Jen, only to have my dreams busted into a million pieces after she tells me I can't go anymore cuz I'm not cool enough. :) Just kidding...just a case of miscommunication(hyphenated??)

Surprisingly, my whole house is clean except for the room the computer is in right now. I was looking for something earlier and somehow a grip of papers ended up on the floor. Hm.

I paid all my bills this month. Its good to be making decent money again.(When was I ever making decent money?)

I am going to cancel my cell service soon. The last bill was over $100. Shiver me timbers!!!

Does anyone have any suggestions for songs to download?? I got the new Kazaa and my rating is Supreme Being. I need to use that to my advantage.

I was thinking yesterday that after a few years, I would have just enough money to make a decent down payment on a house here. Picture it, 4br 2ba 2500sf home $150,000!!! Ohmigod!!!

If anyone can help, I have been looking for 2 music videos on the net to no avail...Teddybears STHLM - Rock n' Roll High School, and St. Germain - So Flute. If anyone comes across these vids, let me know!!

So thats it. My work week is 22.5% over. yea me.

Seventy-Second Entry

It has been a little over a week since the last time I wrote something in my blog. Here goes.

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote:

- I have been spending a lot of time with my family here in Tulare. It is fun to hang out with all of them. My cousin made me biscuits and gravy the other night...yumm yumm. I am her fifth "child".
- My mom, aunt and uncle came to visit me this weekend. It was good to see them. We went to Visalia, yea. My mom cleaned my house...thats a major plus.
- My brother, on his way back from San Diego, passed through Tulare yesterday and paid me a visit. He came with his buddy Case. We went to grandmas and my aunts house also. He is actually considering moving to San Diego and has already put in a request for a transfer with his company. Very expense in SD.
- Things have been getting better at work. I feel like I know more about what I am supposed to be doing. I still think the pay sucks.
- The most disappointing thing of this week-point-five stretch of no writing has been a letter I got this weekend. They sent it to my house in San Leandro, and my mom brought it with her this weekend. Alameda County contacted me via mail, and informed me that I have an oral examination (interview) scheduled for this Friday at 2:50 pm. The reason this news is disappointing is because had I received this information about two weeks ago, I probably would have gone to my interview. Mo' Money, Mo' Money, Mo' Money...about $15000 more a year. But, ya know, I don't think I could go back to living at home again...so soon anyway. I like living on my own. Saving up money to buy furniture, having to take out my own trash to the curb, collecting the mail everyday, being independent. It may be costing me an extra $20000 per year over working in Alameda County, but I really like being on my own. And that's all I have to say about that.

Two weekends from now I am going up to the Bay Area and taking another cousin with me. She is going to cook a gourmet Portuguese dinner the night she gets to my parents house. MMMMMMMmmmmmmm....seafood cooked on a clay roof tile. Very cultural.

So yeah. I have only heard back from Jen and Lisa and Mylinh about coming to visit. And just to let you know, November might be a bad time to visit. Just pay attention to the weather forecasts and stuff and you will know. Or I will let you know.

See y'all in two weeks.

Seventy-First Entry

I just finished reading friedrice's livejournal, from the sept. 10th entry. Very fascinating trip. She also included a shout-out to my blog. If I could figure out how to put a link on my blog to hers I would...there it is...shout-out to lisa!!!!

For all those 3.5 people who read my blog, I would like to extend an invitation to my home in Tulare, California, the Heart of the Central Valley. It's more like the Armpit of the World, but its almost the same thing. So yeah, come on down.

I watched Run Lola Run on Bravo tonight. I absolutely love that movie, but I did not love it as much tonight because of all the commercials. It is such a fast paced movie, that the commercials slow it down quite a bit.

Oh, I read about Jen's camping trip with work, and her mention of Lex from Survivor got me thinking more about a Survivor weekend. At least 2.5 of you have heard me talk about the possibility of having a Survivor weekend, so if you are interested, let me know. Specifics...sometime early next spring(April, Early May), only lasting one weekend but maybe there is a three day weekend somewhere in there, probably a participation fee of $10-$20(depending on how many participants there are) which will go towards the final reward. The more serious I get about doing this Survivor weekend, the more I start to think about what happens if someone gets hurt or something. Details, details.

Seventieth Entry

Tear...

Danielle got 2nd place on BB3 and Lisa won. The votes were 9-1, with Danielles one vote being...you guessed it, Jason.

It sucks that the evicted HG's were too emotionally disturbed by what Danielle did to see that by doing those things she played the game the best.

But whatever. I don't think I will ever get so involved in another reality TV show as I have in this one. Although, new episode of Survivor Thailand tomorrow...

I still can't believe that Josh and Amy did not vote for Danielle. There must have been something going on behind the scenes...ahhh...wishful thinking.

I am super tired. I think I am going to sleep.

I DLed the "new" Duncan Sheik song "On a high". It is pretty good. I am DLing the new Santana song feat. Michelle Branch. I heard it on the radio today, and it is pretty good. It is called "Game of Love" for those of you interested.

Yesterday there was a Changing Rooms marathon on BBC America. I love Digital Cable... I am making a tape of all the British TV stuff (primarily Changing Rooms) for a certain friend of mine that knows who she is...:)

I have been thinking about getting up really early one day this week and trekking out to Fresno and getting Krispy Kreme for everyone at work. But I have not been able to get up that early. I would have to be out the door by like 6am.

Oooo, Keeping up Appearances is on.

Sixty-Ninth Entry

It has been four weeks since I have been working for Tulare County. In these past four weeks, I have learned a lot about working for the government. It is a very slow process with many checks and balances to keep things from going wrong. As a result, I find myself bored half the time. I need to think up ways to keep myself entertained for 9 hours a day (M-Th) and 4 hours on Friday. The projects I am working on are not due until six weeks from now, but they are already almost done. I inherited the projects from an Engineer that recently left on suspicious terms with the bosses...

But enough about my boring work.

Today I got Cable...Digital Cable no less, and am enjoying it. I also got a Cable Modem which is why I am able to write to the 3.5 people that read my blog on a regular basis. As a result of this injection of fresh technology into my life, I feel like I am settling into my life in Tulare very well. I am all set up in my living arrangement here.

It was interesting at first though...

I had to live at my grandparents house for two weeks before I could move into the place that I now call home. At first it was kind of awkward just because they are my grandparents, but I had a nice bed to sleep in and there was never any shortage of food. It was nice to live with them, watch them fight, listen to their stories and just hang out with them. I also got to watch a lot of Portuguese TV on RTPi which they get via satelite. It was interesting. When I needed a break or something from my grandparents house, I would go over to my Aunts house which is across town. We would just hang out and smoke. It was very cool.

I still go every once in a while and visit them. yahafta.

So...guess who is spending the night at my house tonight?? Louis! He left really late from the Bay and caught a ton of traffic on the way to Bakersfield to attend a conference so he couldn't make the 8pm deadline. So he stopped by and we ate Sonic and hung out.

Mylinh called me tonight. (censored) Anyway, just venting.

So yeah...to recap...

Job boring check
Cable Modem check
Digital Cable check
Tulare family check
Louis staying check
Upsetting phone call double check

See some of you this weekend. I will get to SL sometime between 8 and 9. Jen, if you read this, please, please, please tape BB3 for me and we will watch it this weekend!!! I need to know.

Sixty-Eighth Entry

Today is my last day as a resident of San Leandro. In about an hour I begin my journey into the real world. Monday I start my new position at Tulare County as an Engineer I. I will be on my own with a rent to pay, bills to pay and air conditioning.

Its kinda sad to leave my birthplace (San Leandro) knowing that I might never return, other than to visit. All my friends and most of my family is here; I will miss them a lot. But I knew that this would happen eventually and am now rather looking forward to it. I get to experience all there is to experience as a "professional".

Hopefully new friends will be made, perhaps a marriage(or two), and I won't be alone. I have quite a lot of family in Tulare, so it won't be so bad, but they can only do so much with you.

Once I get settled in, in my new residence and job, I can return to the things I do a lot here in San Leandro...watching tons of TV, goofin' off on the net and putting hexes on Jason from BB3(not really, but I should). Soon Tulare will become home to me and it will be great.

To everyone who read this, I will miss you a lot, and come visit me!!

Bye

Sixty-Seventh Entry

A whoooooooole lot has happened since I last wrote.

-I got a job.
-I have driven close to 2000 miles.
-I have developed a new addiction.

-I got a job.
I found out on Monday, August 5th while Louis and Lamar were at my house using my brothers computer to work on Louis' campaign statement. I got a job working with the County of Tulare as an Engineer 1. I waited a while before I told anyone because I wanted to do it all at the same time. I wanted everyone to go with me to Margies Diner in Salinas, but only 4 people could go. Thats alright, we went anyway, and I told everyone else at other times during the day. I am extremely happy that I have finally got a job and that I now get to live near my family in Tulare. I am not exactly sure as to what I will be doing, but I know that it is engineering related. My first day is August 26th, but it will only be an orientation day. I get to watch a lot of videos and fill out paperwork about them. They probably have to do with work safety and sexual harassment type things.

-I have driven close to 2000 miles.

As a result of my new job, I have been to Tulare 3 times in just 2 weeks. Once for my second interview, once to fill out the paperwork like W4 and stuff as well as take a county physical, and once to check out some places to live. Compounded with driving Firmino to and from practice in Livermore for a whole week and various outings, that adds up to about 2000 miles. And there are so many more miles to be driven by me(moving, visiting, etc.) By the way, I liked the apartment I saw and will be moving into it in the middle of September.

-I have developed a new addiction.

And this addiction is to Big Brother 3 Updates on the web. www.bb3updates.com is the website that I frequent about a dozen times a day to find out the latest from the people who have the live feeds over the internet. The TV show has just become the icing on the cake as far as I'm concerned. But, for the few weeks that I am not going to have internet, when I am at my grandmothers house, I am going to suffer severe withdrawals. Oh well, I guess I will have to find out about BB happenings the old fashioned way by watching the show.
I am severely rooting for a Danielle, Jason and Amy/Lisa final three. I fear that one of these will be replaced with Gerry. Everyone thinks they can beat Gerry in the final two.
I am very afraid to find out who Amy will nominate tomorrow. She is leaning toward Jason and Chiara. Marcellas does not want to look like he is trying to change Amy's decision which makes me think that he would be OK with Jason leaving. What happened to the alliance??? If it wasn't for Roddy pulling Amy's strings, Jason would have been no where near the chopping block. If Jason is nominated, Roddy will waste no time painting him out to be a bad guy like he did with his 'fake' attack on Josh. Roddy wanted to ensure that Josh get evicted so he yelled at him and before long the scene was like a Two-Minute Hate from 1984 with Marcellas yelling at him too. Roddy needs to go now, I blame it all on him.
And what is it with this Lisa flirting with Roddy thing? Is she trying to play him, or is he charming her into his dark side?? Too much going on. Its like slowing down to gawk at a car accident on the road.

Sixty-Sixth Entry

In my last entry, I set quite a few lofty goals. Two, in particular, I have not been successful at...the quit smoking, and the cold calling. I have been more conscious of how much I smoke recently, and as a result am starting to cut down. The whole cold calling thing was just too scary to handle, but I have been sending in applications to potential employers everyday.

So...Lisa, Amy, Mylinh and sometimes Carolyn. I am happy that my readership has slowly grown from 1 to 3.5. Maybe I should have a dancing bear in the corner of this page to attract readers. Maybe I'll throw a virtual BBQ so I can invite more people to read.

2 more days and Mylinh will be back to the States. I get to pick her up at the lovely SFO airport. I have been waiting for this day forever!!

Amy told me on our Wednesday walk that it took her 6 months to find a job. I guess I shouldn't expect to get a job right away, but it would be nice to get one, or at least several very promising leads before the end of August. We'll see.

If anyone is ever home at 3pm on a weekday, you must watch Good Day Live on CBS 5. It is the most hilarious daytime show since, since,... I don't know when. Dorothy, Steve, and Jillian are the best daytime team ever. It is a laugh a second with these guys. It is a testament to how easygoing and jaded LA really is. I saw the show every once in a while when I lived in SLO, since on cable we got all the LA stations, but that was before they were syndicated. I love it!!!

Big Brother 3 tonight was no big shocker as far as the eviction was concerned. I won't say I was happy to see Amy go, but I think she did deserve it more than Marcellas. But I was surprised to see how much Eric wanted to get HOH. I am willing to bet millions that he would've put up Danielle and Jason for eviction. But how stupid was he to think that Amy, Lori and Tonya totalled 200 some-odd inches in height?? That would have made each of them about 7 feet tall!! What a dumb ass. I think Gerry is in a good position here...he has evaded another chance at being evicted. I feel pretty confident that he will nominate Lisa and Danielle for eviction to get in good with Roddy, Josh and Marcellas. Eric won't be too happy, but he'll get over it...his one brain cell can only handle a few thoughts at a time. And of course Jason will be heartbroken that Danielle is nominated, but unless he wins the power of veto, all he can do is pray...more than he has been.

Tomorrow, I am going to try to finish shooting the movie at my cousins house. I think tomorrow I am going to die...in the movie.

Any ideas on what to do tomorrow night??

Sixty-Fifth Entry

I can't sleep. The last coupla nights I have had a hard time sleeping. I am trying to get to bed earlier than I have been, but it isn't working too successfully. As a result, I find myself thinking about stuff which I will vent to my 3.5 readers.

1. I have never been more serious about my health than I am right now. I have thought of the things I need to do to become a healthier person. As of tomorrow, I am going to quit smoking. Not for a few days, not for a few weeks, forever. Quitting smoking will be tough, but not as tough as my next goal. I am going to lose 50lbs by Christmas. That is about 10lbs per month. That goal does not sound that hard, but coupled with the extra eating from quitting smoking, it will be quite a challenge. I am going to stop eating at all fast food joints(save monthly In n' Out) and greasy spoon restaurants(including Prings, Denny's and Carrows) unless I just get a beverage. I will exercise more than just 3 times a week. This will include a daily routine of sit-ups, push-ups, more walking and running and whatever else I can do like use my bros weights. By the end of the year, I will run an 8 minute mile. 8 mins ain't that great, but its close to half the time I can do it in now. Somebody print this out.

2. I need to get a job. I need a job more than I need air to breathe. My money is running short and my parents won't like me asking them for money. I tried today to start my "cold calling", but I got too nervous and didn't do it. I decided that I need a start date, and an end date. I will start cold calling next Monday, the 29th of July and end on Friday, the 9th of August. That gives me two weeks which is ample time to do the calling, and send out all the necessaries that go along with the calling. I need to buy new interview clothes. They always say, you need to spend money to make money. Somebody print this out.

There, I've said it. That is pretty much all I have been thinking about, save for a few thoughts that should stay in the bedroom...hehe.

8 days n' counting...

Sixty-Fourth Entry

After wrestling with the blogger troubleshooting page, I finally came across a solution to my blogs not posting. So now you all have like 4 blogs to catch up reading on...thats more blogs than people who read this...how sad.

Sixty-Third Entry

Bullfight on Monday was uber-cool. I had a lot of fun and I think 50% of the asians there did also. They only had one good guy on horseback, the other horse guy was an apprentice who sucked.

I sent in two applications today for employment. That makes a total of 4 sent out this week. Katie gave me the idea to print out internet yellow page listings for all the firms in the area. And that leaves me with three choices:
1. Faxing everyone my resume and cover letter
2. Sending everyone my resume and cover letter
3. "Cold calling" everyone first to see if they will even look at my resume and then sending it to them via either fax or mail.

I am leaning towards number 3. Number 1 is just way too impersonal, if they aren't expecting it they will treat it as a fax ad and throw it out, it costs like $1 per sheet to fax at Kinkos, but it is quick, quick, quick. Number 2 is more personal than number one, but if they aren't expecting it...garbage, I will spend 37-60 cents per set, but it too is a quick way of doing it. By using number 3, I can gauge interest, I can find out who they are looking for(if anyone), save money on postage and faxing by only sending a set to those who want it. On the other hand it will take longer, I will have to pay for the phone calls, and I will have to learn a little something about their company so I don't sound stupid on the phone.

I think I will do number 3. It is time-consuming, but very cost-effective. Wish me luck!!

Sixty-Second Entry

Well, I don't really know what to write, but I feel like I should. My readership is up to three, thanks Amy.

I have been on a somewhat successful health kick in recent days. I have been counting calories and eating less and trying to exercise more. I don't feel tired all the time due to a possible calorie shortage; that tells me I've been eating too much. I am trying to better commit myself to walking 3 times a week with Amy and am starting a regiment of situps and pushups. That should help out too.

Things I need to work on...going to sleep earlier, and getting up earlier. I am down to waking up at 9:15am. Which is better than the average noon time reveille that I have become accustomed to....I also need to stop eating a midnight snack. Last night was a small bowl of cereal.

I guess the deal with weight loss is that it isn't instantaneous. I am the type of person who likes things that are instantaneous, probably due to my proximity to all the things that I need and provide instant gratification like: food, music, my computer and porn(j/k...or am I).

Once I work out enough, and eat right enough, I will look better and feel a lot better. Until then, I will just have to work at it and know that the end result will be satisfying.

Sixty-First Entry

Mamma Mia!!

It was the funniest, greatest, most excellent performance I have ever seen on any stage! It was the ultimate best!! I feel lucky that I was able to be a part of such a wonderful experience! The seats were great, and the crowd was really getting into it. Someone sitting to my left was even singing along! She must have been a die hard fan!!
I got all spiffed up for the show. It was cool to get all dressed up for an evening theatre performance in The City. I felt rich or something...

Sixtieth Entry

Agenda

1. Talk about beach journey yesterday and todays heat.
2. Talk about what is really killing me right now.

1.
Yesterday was great fun. Lisa, Carolyn and I all headed out to Half Moon Bay for some fun in the sun. I almost died twice, Carolyn and Lisa almost died once.
We dug a hole over 6 feet deep. I was in it. It was really cool. I kinda wanted to dig a tunnel out of it, but I was sort of afraid of the whole tunnel caving in and burying me alive. How tragic!!! I was in there for about an hour digging the hole deeper and deeper. Then it took about a half-hour to get out. That was the first time I almost died...I was trapped in the hole. The second time I almost died, was when I was convinced by Lisa and Carolyn to bury me up to my head in the hole (actually, there was very little convincing needed). As I was digging my way out, I got a massive cramp in my right leg. I almost died.
I dried and desanded my pants and shirt, and then we headed off to Palo Alto to have dinner with Jen. She took us to the Pasta Market and it was good. Then we went to Trader Joes, and then home.
Today was wicked hot and I did not leave the house all day. I stayed home and watched the Real World Chicago marathon all the way until it culminated with the Season Finale of the show. It was a good season in my book.

2.

I need a girlfriend. I need someone who will satisfy my physical desires, and my emotional and mental desires. I want a girl who will love me for me. I want a girl who does not take herself too seriously. I want a girl to hold at night and is not afraid to be held. I want a girl to talk to about anything and everything without fearing any backlash. I want a girl I can hold hands with, kiss, hug at the movies, park or restaurant. I want a girl who is not afraid to be herself around me. I want a girl who will challenge me mentally, support me emotionally, and satisfy me physically. I want a girl who will make me feel less alone. She will be the perfect girl.
I want her so badly.
Maybe it was watching the Real World marathon on MTV. All these relationships on the TV, maybe it got me thinking that I want that. I want a Cara or a Keri at my side.
Or maybe it was my Boston friend Micah who called me tonight and when I mentioned my Real World watching today told me that I needed to get a life and a girlfriend. She is right. I need a girlfriend. I need someone who can take the place of watching TV by hanging out with me.
But even as I write this, I feel an almost overwhelming sense of doom looming over me. I probably will never find a girl with all the qualities I mentioned above. There is no such thing as The Perfect Girl. Plus, there are almost no girls that will go out with an unemployed, overweight, and apathetic person like me. Am I trapped forever in this life of mine, destined to go on alone?? Or am I more like a butterfly who is going to emerge from his cocoon as a completely changed being?? I don't know. I guess I'll get out of it about as much as I put into it.
I suppose I know what the answer should be...the latter one about the butterfly. I need to get motivated and change my life around. But with each attempt at motivating myself, comes the inevitable feeling that the task at hand is too overwhelming, which causes me to return to my old and tired self. Sad but true. I don't know why I do that. I don't lose interest in losing weight or finding a job, its just that the task seems too too overwhelming so I quit.
I think that too applies to the area of finding the love of my life. The task of finding the "one" seems too overwhelming to me. Who is to say that I haven't already met her and let her pass? Who is to say that she is right under my nose? Who is to say that she could be working at my next job?
So yeah, I want and need a girlfriend.

Fifty-Ninth Entry

Interesting week to report on. I went to the beach on Tuesday. It was a lot of fun but it was rather cold. For some reason the great weather from Monday did not continue into Tuesday. I went with Lisa. After making our usual stop at Pebble Beach (and discovering that the whale carcass was still there, only this time it was purple and half eaten) we went to Bean Hollow beach a little further south along Hwy 1. There, we set up camp, and started to build a sand city. We set up the city's Civic Center atop the sand ridge overlooking the ocean. Then we built a long road to where we would build our first subdivision. Then Lisa wanted to explore, so I just finished building the city. I built three subdivisions each with three giant houses.
It got cold, so then we went to Pescadero Beach and messed around in the tide pools. We rescued a dead starfish. We named him Patrick in honor of Patrick the starfish on Spongebob Squarepants. Then we left and ate lunch with Carolyn at Los Pericos. mmmm

On Wednesday night, Lisa, Louis, Jen, Dayni and I went to Karaoke in Hayward. It was fun. I didn't feel like watching a movie afterwards so I went home.

On the fourth of July, Thursday, Jen, Dayni, Dario and I went to Joaquin Miller park in Oak-town and hiked. It was tiring, but fun!! Then I came home and had a BBQ with family. Then SLO friend Katy called and asked me if I had any plans for that night. I was all no, not really. Then she's all, you should come to the city and hang out. I was like, sure! I picked her up and we went to this hill on Twin Peaks rd. There were a lot of people there and it was pretty windy, but we could see fireworks from all over the Bay Area. It was really cool. Then we went to her place for a little while. She has a nice place. Then I went home.

On Friday (yesterday), Lisa, Jen and I went to Fairfield mainly for me to partake of a lovely meal at my favorite comfort food place, Chick-Fil-A. It was really good!! Just like I remembered it!!! Then we cruised the Westfield mall and I bought some CD's at Best Buy. It was fun. After getting back to the considerably cooler Bay Shore, we stopped at Ikea and I bought some spotlights for my new bookshelf. They really look nice at night. During the day time, you really cant see how nice they look. Its like a light from God shining down on my wall (chorus of angels). After Ikea, I got lost in Oakland and we ended up going to Chinatown. It was nice there. We got pearl tea. It was the worst pearl tea I have ever tasted. I got home and called Amy to go walking. She is sick though, so there was no walking.

I thought we were all going to go do something last night, but I was never called. Oh well, I kept myself busy counting the number of carpet fibers in my room. I kept losing count after like 1000. Oh well.

Hopefully tonight will be better. There was some buzz about going to 550 something or other, but that sounds way bunk. I guess I can watch Trading Spaces tonight!!!

Fifty-Eighth Entry

Tonight has been a night of intense thought for me. I rarely ever sit and think for long periods of time. I thought about my goals in life, my current situation in life and my past experiences in life. I thought about my career, my friends and family, and my more-than-friends relationship(s). The latter part (relationships) caused me to think the most.

I found myself reflecting on my most recent romantic involvement and what went wrong. We had it good in many ways: we enjoyed each others company, we always had a good time together, we both had basically the same ideals where family and friends were concerned, we both want and strive to be career oriented. There was, and still is, a lot of chemistry between us.

What didn't jive, at least for me, was her religious and spiritual place in life. I am no where near her level of spirituality and, what I sometimes call, belief of the unknown. She is a woman who takes her life and treats it as a vessel for God to do his bidding. Although I believe in God, it is to a much lesser extent than her; I flip-flop between a lax Catholic and an agnostic. After having a college experience where a majority of my friends were practicing Christians, I have seen the positives in having such a strong belief in God and his ways. I however, have not been able to become as "believing" as they were.

I ended the relationship because I knew that she and I would only be truly happy with people of our own spirituality. Our two different beliefs would lead us to two completely different ways of life.

But tonight, I was thinking. Why do you date someone? Why do you marry someone as opposed to someone else? Does your belief system really matter?

1. Why do you date someone?
The reason you date someone is because you take an interest in the person you are dating. Simple, but true. It could be because she is funny, it could be because you share a lot of hobbies or interests, or it could be because she is great in bed. You obviously see a quality in that person that you would like to see more of.

2. Why do you marry someone as opposed to someone else?
Compatibility on issues such as goals in life, raising a family; in general, the potential symbiosis of your lives. The love bit of a serious relationship will always be there regardless so when looking at this scientifically (which is kind of an oxy-moron, because there is nothing scientific about love), it can just drop out of the equation and basically becomes a non-issue. The dating process should expose a person to enough potential mates to where you know who you want and just go after her. The more you date, the more likely you are to come across your most compatible match.

3. Does your belief system really matter?
Although I do not believe that heavily in God and the bible, I do think that a persons belief system does factor in heavily when judging the compatibility of two people in a relationship. A person who has a strong belief in God is definitely going to raise her children differently, partake in different activities, and act differently in general. That is how I saw it when I ended my recent relationship.

But then why am I so confused about its importance? I found myself tonight thinking that it really wouldn't be so bad to marry a strong Christian and raise a family with her. I think that my morals and beliefs in raising a family are essentially the same as any Christians. It's not like I would raise my kid to be a killer. I would raise my children to respect all people. I would give them the choice on if they wanted to go to church with mommy or stay at home and help daddy build something. I have always thought that my children would be raised to have a choice on whether or not they would want to be involved in a religion. But could that happen if their mother was a Christian?

It's kind of like that whole thing about raising a bilingual child. Would you force him to learn english and, say, portuguese? I wouldn't, although some people would say that you should...higher test scores, etc. But I would only consider that if my parents weren't bilingual. Fortunately for me they are, eliminating the necessity for a bilingual grandchild. To me, this is a lot more cut and dried than the whole religion issue.

Spirituality and religion has always been a tough issue for me to think about and I handle it best by avoiding it or pushing it aside. Maybe its a fear that I may be wrong and go to hell for not going to church. Maybe its a jealousy of the religious because I am not able to walk around knowing that God is watching over me and protecting me.

I was thinking tonight that when we were together, we were good, which spawned ideas of getting back together. But then I think about how confused I get about the whole thing and just push it aside, like everything else I can't handle, and move on.